Archive for March, 2009

March 31, 2009

finding what you are looking for

its so difficult to find exactly what you are looking for. you go shopping for example: you need a dress – you have the perfect one in mind and you are on the hunt for it. you go to all of your favorite stores, try on several different dresses and cant seem to find the right one. so you settle for the next best thing – and there is the keyword; settle. how many times do we just settle because we are tired of either waiting or looking for what is best for us?

and do you think that sometimes we are trying to hard?

i think im trying too hard. and i really need to stop.

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March 30, 2009

you are still God

there are several things running through my head and i need to just relax. i need to stop – breathe – and pray. i need to let out all of my anxieties to the Father and allow for him to deal and work it all out for me. im way too impatient. i want instant results, i want to know what the future holds for me without ever reaching it.

im having so much fun with life right now. i want to put everything in slow motion and just enjoy it before its over. i guess i want to know what the future holds because im afraid that im allowing myself get in too deep. there is a fear of being hurt, there is a fear of being let down…of being disappointed.

isnt it crazy how a few moments can make you forget all of your worries…like at hunger and thirst tonight. i walked in and there was such a spirit of worship in the room that i was overwhelmed with such a strong desire to jump around and shout (which i didn’t jump…i did shout) that i instantly forgot what i was worried about on my walk to bush chapel. i kept my eyes closed during my worship because i didnt want the strong focus on the Father to disappear because it was so precious. the moment i opened my eyes, i saw someone – a sudden thought rushed into my head – and i felt i was letting go of Jesus’s hand and i quickly closed my eyes again to hang on tight. why can’t i have that reasurrance all the time? why must it only be during times of live worship and praise….porque?

mi mente siempre esta corriendo. no hay quien lo pueda parar. me desespero al pensar en todo lo que estoy viviendo – i want to turn my mind off sometimes with how much i think. but im truly learning to just breathe. take life one day at a time, and to not worry about what tomorrow brings me. what i really need to do is stop wearing my heart on my sleeve so much and instead only be so vulnerable to the Father, that way i’ll really be allowing him to take care of me.

tomorrow is a new day. through every season – He is still God, and i will worship him no matter what my circumstances are. i want to remember that in my times of impatience, in the times when things seem like such bliss and in the times when im so darkened by confusion.

ah, my thoughts are a mess. my apologies.

March 29, 2009

therapeutic?

so this is new, for whoever wants to know what im thinking, i heard its therapeutic and who doesnt need a little zen? my finger still hurts! i have a stupid splint on it and i cant do anything, who knew that you’d use your index finger so much? and the funny part of it all, is that i barely got any flags during our game. we still won 🙂 but i barely played due to my lack of skill! and im the one with the practically broken finger…hmm…a sign? for something? maybe?

this past week i’ve been learning a lot about people. im so tired of superficial relationships, and being afraid of what the other person is going to think or constantly wondering what the other person is thinking. i guess its something we cannot escape but i really appreciate the people who are so real with everything. this past week i had an encounter with people who on several occasions didnt tell me how they truly felt about certain situations and i, myself – even held information in, but whats the point? i need to just come out and say how i feel, say exactly what im thinking and not be afraid. this school year is almost over! i’m about to lose people i once had so close… i’m about to leave those i’ve just now met… i don’t want school to be over yet.

this semester has been so weird, the past few weeks have been the most fun i’ve had all semester but its still as if im living a different life because im not used to it yet. there are empty feelings and awkward encounters still. its difficult starting over again, its difficult “finding your place” again when you were convinced that you already had. but im not going to be afraid of it all, i’m going to start being real – as stupid as that may sound, but mostly im going to start being real with myself. im learning to let go of those things that aren’t good for me, im learning to accept the things i cannot change, and im learning to cling onto Jesus more and more through every experience.

help me, O God, to know my place in this world and to not lose my head during the process.

goodnight everyone.