Archive for April, 2009

April 26, 2009

no words.

i’m overwhelmed with all that is happening in my life right now. i’m fully commited and fully devoted to Jesus Christ and nothing can change that. i just want to listen to his voice and be obedient to his words and his direction and i want him to simply flow through everything i am. no satisfaction can come from my own doings. nothing can fulfill my heart but God, the Father and i’m so thankful that i serve him. i’m so thankful that he created me. i’m so thankful that he’s going to supply my every need to go to Luke18 this summer and i’m so thankful that he’s going to carry me through the remainder of this school year and next year as well. he’s blessed me beyond measure and i owe him my life. i want nothing more than to please him. i want nothing more than to be a pleasing aroma to his throneroom. i want to dwell in his love forever – i want to give him all of me. i want to give him every yearning, every desire – i give it all to him. i’m reminded of when i used to spend my time on worthless things – even now. when i get too caught up on how i look, when i get too caught up on who i know. when i get too caught up on making money. sitting in the Lord’s presence is sufficient for me. everything else is so meaningless. take everything away and if you don’t have Christ – you have nothing at all. we were meant to live for him, to love him, to fellowship with him – to have such deep, intimate relationship with him. i never want to leave him. i want to always follow him, even when it hurts. even when it means giving up all that i know. even when it means that the whole world will turn their backs on me. it’s worth it all. Christ is worth it all. i can’t even put into words how very real he is in my life – how very real he is and how he proves himself to be true over and over and over again. time and time again. Christ is alive, and breathing. His heart is beating for us. His heart is pounding for us as he stands before the Father, pleading for our souls, pleading for us. i owe him my life. i owe him all that i am. it would be selfish of me to let go of him and follow my own dreams. the dreams i once had, the dreams that weren’t right for me. i want to give in more to him. i want to give in more and really leave behind those things, those people, those places that drag me away. i want to stand strong and believe in the Father more and more. i want to know him full well. i want to believe in his power, i want to fully believe in Jesus Christ’s ressurection. i want to fully believe that he has the power to heal, the power to save, the power to restore. i want to see atheist’s coming to God. i want to see the lame walk and i want to see the prostitute rescued from her regular corner. i want to see people transformed. i want to see people change because of the love God shows them. i cant waste time and live for my own. i can’t waste time and live for what i think is right – i’m giving up my hopes and my dreams and i’m choosing to carry on Christ’s. i’m choosing to pick up what burdens his heart and i’m choosing to move forward. i want to be the one that is making the connection for people. i want the holy spirit to minister through my words and my actions and affect the lives of those around me. i want to stay focused – get my degree, move to where he’s called me and minister for the rest of my life. i dont want to live for my own self – i don’t want to live a life gratifying the desires of my flesh. i want to live a life satisfying the Father. satisfying the love of my life.

uhhh..i will fear no evil. because God is with me. i will believe and i will stand firm. i will learn to truly love and i will learn to be fully obedient. i will live my purpose, i will live what i’m supposed to live.

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April 18, 2009

i’ve had a lot of coffee tonight.

i just have this awful feeling in my stomach and i can’t tell what it is. i don’t know what to make of it and i really wish i knew what was wrong. i’ve been up for several hours and i cant seem to make it to bed because i have too many thoughts. i just want that clear vision for life and i want to feel the love of God every single moment that i live. i’ve met a lot of new people lately, and i’ve learned that you really don’t know someone until you’ve had a deep conversation with them. there is a handful that i’ve grown rather fond of because their first impression wasn’t really who they were deep down inside. i wish everyone knew that side of them because then they wouldn’t make bad judgements on them. maybe that’s why i feel weird – because i’ve been constantly meeting new people and i’m definately in unfamiliar territory. this has been the most different semester ever at southeastern and i’m learning a lot but i’m not taking it all in. i’ve become way to busy with so many different areas on campus – i’m currently an RA, on DSF, a student worker and now i’m helping a lil with SBLC because i’ll be on it next year. i’m not gunna lie – i’m overwhelmed. maybe that’s why i feel weird, because i’m constantly on the go and this is the first time in several weeks that i’ve been able to stop and do whatever i want. but tonight, i got to hang out with really cool people that i wish i hung out with more. i sometimes don’t even want to be involved so i can just get to know everyone that i live on campus with and even those who live off campus. i want to learn about people and learn to really read them – without making judgements but just learning their hearts and praying for them. i really want to pray for them all.

there are so many good people out there and everyone is so different. i want to pray for them all – that they will always stay within God’s will and that they will reach the ultimate life experience with the Father that He wants for them.

what is this all about anyway? i had a friend ask me that the other night and it’s kept me thinking. there has to be a reason that i’ve met all the people that i’ve met this semester. i want to learn from them all and search their hearts. i want to find God within all of them because i know He exists in every single one of them. i have other friends who always say, “love God, love people” and i never really knew why they said that until recently. it’s funny that i wanna try and play “Savior” for everyone, as if they don’t already have someone interceding on their behalf. but i just really wanna do what i can to bring people closer to God. i want to be that example to the world and make use of my life. i want to be more intentional with everyone i come in contact with and learn to appreciate them all as the individuals that they are. i want to stop being so selfish in only thinking about myself and what it is that i want in life – i want to think about others. i want to live for others by living for Jesus.

this morning a friend spoke in a prayer time for a committee i am a part of and it was very impacting to me and brought me to tears. they said to “not forget to love God…we can’t love other people correctly if we don’t love God correctly..” and that’s why i’ve been so selfish lately. that’s why i’ve been such a jerk lately to everyone – i haven’t been loving the Father in the right way and i need to start. if you’re reading this and i’ve hurt you in any way, please forgive me. forgive my false pretenses and forgive my ignorance.

April 12, 2009

fastforward

my mind has been racing with thoughts all week, and the thoughts have gotten deeper during this break. i feel i’ve pushed too much back that it’s all rushing back to me, and is flooding my mind. i really want to fastforward my life – i want to see where i am, this time next year. i want to know if all of this waiting is worth it, if im even fighting for the right things. i want to know what i need to do or not, i want to know if the choices im making now are even the rights ones and i want to know the consequences of everything. a year flew by. another year wont hurt. even though it does. i say what i dont really feel, i just need to convince myself. im trying to block out every negative feeling this situation brings me that im forget to realize what im truly feeling… and i realize a little too late. after the tears were shed, after all those things were said. i want to rewind and fastforward. i want to know what it is that truly matters – i want to know which emotions are real and which ones are deceiving me. my heart is so torn – i am pulled at every side and i see every side of this sitatuation. the good and the bad. all the pro’s and all the con’s. Father, give me that sweet peace and clarity that I so desperately long for and so desperately need. I want the reassurance that I had…with whatever decision you’ve had me make… Time, fastforward!!

April 4, 2009

knots

as i sit and read my previous entry – i ask myself, why cant i feel that way all day, everyday? im living this life of love and its something so special but i still havent grasped it completely. i’ve grasped maybe 10% of it. im trying to do things differently now, and as hard as they may be, its because i know whats best for me. of course – like tonight, i had my moments when i felt tears coming up, wanting to flood my face but i couldn’t – something from within me wouldn’t let me. my ways are not your ways, says the Lord. whatever it is that i want for my life, doesn’t always match up with what God has for me. what i feel is better for me, isnt always meant for me. whatever inclinations and desires i have for myself – doesnt mean that its the right thing. will it ever be the right thing? maybe… im not really sure. i hate not knowing what is going to come next but this time, i feel a lot stronger than i have in the past.

April 2, 2009

real love

i cannot deny the love that the Father has for me. i am precious in His sight and He wants all of me. the love He has for me is so overwhelming and so powerful. He created me – He created me with his own hands for his own purpose for me to be able to LOVE him and experience HIS love forEVER. i cant even think of the words to describe the love i am feeling in this moment, as i sit in my room waiting for my next class. nothing can take his place in my life, nothing can satisfy me more. i give everything to him – all of my heart, all of my intentions, every emotion, every desire, every groaning, i give it all to him. i give it all to him. i give it all to him. what the Father does in our lives is greater than anything we can want for ourselves and it is so worth it, to give up everything for him. it’s so worth it, to lose everything we desire and gain everything in HIM. i can think of no better way to live my life. i cannot live my life any other way.

 

I find myself in a daze, in a maze, of confusion and hurt

I find myself lonely and with a feeling of such abandonment

I look around me and I see that my whole life is changing what what is left of me?

Does anything remain?

It’s stupid. It’s pathetic – that I let myself get this way…

I’m living a life, better than I was so many, many days ago –

I’m no longer high

I’m no longer drunk

No longer do I find that corrupt, unsafe love

I once was lost but now I’m found

No longer living in disgust –

of myself for being found pass out unconcious on the bathroom floor,

of myself for going beind my moms back just to get a little high, just to get a little buzz…

I have finally settled for so much more, and now I dare say that I feel deppressed and alone?

When my soul has been completely restored?

I’ve finally found a reason, a purpose, my destiny –

to serve the One who created every single part of me,

I need to wake up – remind me, My God, what disaster you saved me from!

Remind me of the days I felt worthless and ashamed – remind me of the days when they called me disgusting names,

remind me of the days when I serve a god named destruction and remind me of the days when I had a reason to cry,

I now serve a God of strength and of might, who fills my soul more than anything I’ve ever tried…

I live a life in the arms of the One who created it all, of the one who was hung on a tree for me,

the One who will fight and trample every evil one for me,

the One who came and set my soul so free…

the One who yearns and desires for my heart,

the One who is ravished by one glance of my eye,

I serve the One who gave his life for me, who bled and profusiously so he could one day have me,

I dont have a reason to feel this way,

because of you – I am redeemed,

because of you real love my heart has finally seen.

April 2, 2009

im so extremely tired but i have a thousand things running through my head. i cant stop thinking, there is so much going on around campus – so many things in my friends lives and a significant amount in my own life. i feel sick to my stomach and my heart is in pain. why do we make the choices that we make when we know that they are wrong for us? why do we allow ourselves to just give in to the desires of our sinful nature… its absolutely horrible when you have to give up things that aren’t meant for you. im not going to say that i “dont understand” and im not going to say “why is this happening” because i know exactly why and i understand it one hundred percent. but i cant help to say that my heart is hurting right now. my mind is on full speed and i cant do anything…