knots

as i sit and read my previous entry – i ask myself, why cant i feel that way all day, everyday? im living this life of love and its something so special but i still havent grasped it completely. i’ve grasped maybe 10% of it. im trying to do things differently now, and as hard as they may be, its because i know whats best for me. of course – like tonight, i had my moments when i felt tears coming up, wanting to flood my face but i couldn’t – something from within me wouldn’t let me. my ways are not your ways, says the Lord. whatever it is that i want for my life, doesn’t always match up with what God has for me. what i feel is better for me, isnt always meant for me. whatever inclinations and desires i have for myself – doesnt mean that its the right thing. will it ever be the right thing? maybe… im not really sure. i hate not knowing what is going to come next but this time, i feel a lot stronger than i have in the past.

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