i’ve had a lot of coffee tonight.

i just have this awful feeling in my stomach and i can’t tell what it is. i don’t know what to make of it and i really wish i knew what was wrong. i’ve been up for several hours and i cant seem to make it to bed because i have too many thoughts. i just want that clear vision for life and i want to feel the love of God every single moment that i live. i’ve met a lot of new people lately, and i’ve learned that you really don’t know someone until you’ve had a deep conversation with them. there is a handful that i’ve grown rather fond of because their first impression wasn’t really who they were deep down inside. i wish everyone knew that side of them because then they wouldn’t make bad judgements on them. maybe that’s why i feel weird – because i’ve been constantly meeting new people and i’m definately in unfamiliar territory. this has been the most different semester ever at southeastern and i’m learning a lot but i’m not taking it all in. i’ve become way to busy with so many different areas on campus – i’m currently an RA, on DSF, a student worker and now i’m helping a lil with SBLC because i’ll be on it next year. i’m not gunna lie – i’m overwhelmed. maybe that’s why i feel weird, because i’m constantly on the go and this is the first time in several weeks that i’ve been able to stop and do whatever i want. but tonight, i got to hang out with really cool people that i wish i hung out with more. i sometimes don’t even want to be involved so i can just get to know everyone that i live on campus with and even those who live off campus. i want to learn about people and learn to really read them – without making judgements but just learning their hearts and praying for them. i really want to pray for them all.

there are so many good people out there and everyone is so different. i want to pray for them all – that they will always stay within God’s will and that they will reach the ultimate life experience with the Father that He wants for them.

what is this all about anyway? i had a friend ask me that the other night and it’s kept me thinking. there has to be a reason that i’ve met all the people that i’ve met this semester. i want to learn from them all and search their hearts. i want to find God within all of them because i know He exists in every single one of them. i have other friends who always say, “love God, love people” and i never really knew why they said that until recently. it’s funny that i wanna try and play “Savior” for everyone, as if they don’t already have someone interceding on their behalf. but i just really wanna do what i can to bring people closer to God. i want to be that example to the world and make use of my life. i want to be more intentional with everyone i come in contact with and learn to appreciate them all as the individuals that they are. i want to stop being so selfish in only thinking about myself and what it is that i want in life – i want to think about others. i want to live for others by living for Jesus.

this morning a friend spoke in a prayer time for a committee i am a part of and it was very impacting to me and brought me to tears. they said to “not forget to love God…we can’t love other people correctly if we don’t love God correctly..” and that’s why i’ve been so selfish lately. that’s why i’ve been such a jerk lately to everyone – i haven’t been loving the Father in the right way and i need to start. if you’re reading this and i’ve hurt you in any way, please forgive me. forgive my false pretenses and forgive my ignorance.

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