Archive for May, 2009

May 18, 2009

?

I’m easily distracted by momentary things. I’m easily distracted and even easily distraught. It’s not good. I know that I’m where I’m supposed to be but I have this uneasiness in my stomach and I’m not sure what it is. It’s like something is wrong, but I can’t figure it out. I’m praying that it be revealed to me. It’s that feeling when something bad is happening and it’s going to affect you more than you know. I have that feeling. Father, please show me what it is and if it is nothing but a bad stomach ache – please ease it and calm it down. I need your discernment because I want to know what this is. I feel like a fool, with constant negative thoughts but with no idea as to why I feel the way I do. Do I feel rejection? Do I feel pain? Do I feel hurt? I feel this knot in my throat. I feel this lump in my stomach. I cannot figure it out. If it’s something I’ve down to myself, I want to know. If it’s something that I need to do – reveal it to me Jesus, because I have no idea. I want to be over with this but it’s a constant tug at my heart. I want honesty. I want justice. I don’t want to feel like this.

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May 16, 2009

Saying goodnight.

There is no reason to never show someone that you love them. There should not be moments of such anger, that you refuse to kiss someone goodnight. There should not be moments where you do not go to a place, because someone you have issues with is there. We can’t just avoid the hardships and forget to tell people around us that we love them. I saw a movie once, where there was a little boy off to school in the morning and he was in a hurry that he did not stop to kiss his mother goodbye. The mother yelled for him and said, “You didn’t kiss me goodbye!” The little boy said, “Oh Mom, I’ll see you when I come home from school!” And he continued to run off. The mother looked sad because he refused to return for a proper goodbye and later that day – the boy was kidnapped and didn’t get to see his mother when he came home from school, because he didn’t come home from school.

I always tell my mother when either of us take international trips, that I might never see her again so I want to say my loving farewells. She instantly snaps back and tells me “not to say those things,” but I can’t help believing that there is always that possibility that you will not see that person again.

Last night I went to bed upset. I didn’t say my sweet goodnights like I always do and it really affected me when I woke up this morning. I woke up at 6:30am and was already annoyed. My mind was already thinking about the last conversation I had before I went to bed, and I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t dream or anything last night and I always have dreams. But I fell asleep thinking about it and woke up with it on my mind. I allowed for a small argument to infiltrate my mind all through the night – which provoked negative thoughts and I was thinking irrationally. I tend to assume the worst when someone goes wrong, so my mind was racing. I woke up with thoughts that were not true and I know I was allowing for my anger to get the best of me.

What if I would have tried to fix the situation in the moment, what if I would have fought for the cause of simply being able to love on someone instead of fighting with them, before going to bed. Anger is malice, it’s evil and certainly not the fruit of the Spirit. I did feel the inclination to continue talking until everything was resolved, but my eyes were so heavy with sleep that I couldn’t make it. But it was on us both, we both should have put aside the indifference at the moment and made sure that we were on good terms before going to bed.

As much of a temper as I might have, I really dislike it. I cannot allow for it to control me. I missed a night, although it was just one night out of thousands I’ll have with him, to tell him I love him and how much it means to talk – even if it’s for 5 minutes in the car, from place to place.

All that the Bible says about denying our flesh and giving up our rights is astonishingly true. There is a greater joy when we put ourselves to the side, for the benefit of others. I couldn’t begin to properly imagine what Jesus felt as He was here on Earth – all the times He might have wanted to fight back, all the times He might have wanted to say “whatever” to the entire reason He was here. We are called to be like Christ, we are called to find ourselves in Christ – not to find just ourselves.

This moment last night, helped me find myself in Christ – as tiny and insignificant it could have been – it meant a great deal to me this morning, as I tried to hit the snooze button on my cellphone waking me up at 6:30 in the morning.

May 11, 2009

daddy

Ahh, summer is here. I’m excited to see what I’ll be doing. My dad’s here from Colombia and I don’t think I could express exactly the way it makes me feel – but nonetheless, I will try. I saw him last night for the first time since last August. He looks the same, sandy hair and extremely tan. He’s lookin’ a lil older but still the same. He hugged me and said I looked a little “fuller”, hahaha – I’m not gunna lie – I was a little offended. But he meant I looked more like a woman now 🙂 He kept staring at me and would ask me random questions throughout the hour that I was over there. He asked me about school, Stephen and life. But in all of it, he just kept looking at me. I could imagine the thoughts in his head – I imagine a little film playing in his mind of how fast I’ve grown up and what’s to become of me. I’m getting to a point where as much as I respect him and would never dare call him out on a single thing – I want to. I want to ask him all the questions that I myself want anwers to. I want to know why he’s choosing to live the way he’s living, but I know it’s going to hurt him. But I want him to change. I want him to be healthy enough to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I want him to be there when my first child is born and I want him to be there to see them grow up. It’s a constant prayer, it’s a constant plead for his salvation. It’s worth the fighting, the confrontation, the initial awkwardness. I’m going to do it this summer. I’ll be here the entire summer, I want to stick around for him. I have to stay here for him. I know the power that Jesus holds and I know how strongly He loves my daddy and doesn’t want him to be so…. sad? Sad might be the right word, but I think miserable, lonely and torn would do too. My family doesn’t understand. Why don’t they get it? Why can’t they see Jesus the way I see Him? It doesn’t even have to be the exact way that I see Him, but why can’t they at least SEE Him?! There is so much pride, so much money, so many mistakes that were made that they are afraid to face. The strongholds are ridiculous. The fear is insane. I don’t have the right words to say, I’d be disrespectful if I confronted them. But I have to. I need to.

May 2, 2009

who am I?

I was too busy. I was too busy. I don’t want to spend a day without You. I don’t want to spend a single moment without You. Life is miserable if I don’t have You and I’m never doing it again. I need your love and I want to engage in it. No words can describe how I’m feeling. All i want is You.