Archive for August, 2009

August 11, 2009

Battlefield.

I’m at a loss for words, I dream of it all and wake up desiring to never sleep again because I can’t even escape it in my slumber. There is no part of me that says I cannot understand, because the facts are clear and when you piece everything together – it makes sense. The word that would best describe how I feel is shocked. When something that you fight for, for so long, almost instantly is gone. If I wouldn’t have initiated anything, I don’t know where I would have been with all of this. There are 3 things I am thankful of right now… One being that God knows everything that is about to happen and plans accordingly. Which brings me to my number Two, friends who are there until you need them and will do everything they can to bring healing to your heart. And Three, knowing that this is not the end of the world and life goes on to even better things. It’s incredible how I just said “better things” because I thought I had the best. It truly was this amazing thing, but maybe not the “best for me” type of thing? I guess.

All of my unanswered questions are almost immediately comforted by the love of Jesus that I know so well. There’s no way that He is not watching over me, because things have been too good these past couple days. I feel like He is walking around, right now, with my heart cupped in His hands. He’s stroking my hair and saying, “You’re going to be okay. You have no idea what’s to come, this pain you are experiencing now – it will wash away. I know that you can see the light, continue holding onto Me.”

I’m not writing these things for any reason other than I am just putting together my thoughts/feelings in one place, to better understand myself and my situations. I am strong enough to handle this, and will not be moved. I know my value and my place in this world, and now  I’m able to start over in some areas and learn from my mistakes. It’s so hard to write something like this without sounding corny, but hey – I’m learning.

A special thank you to old best friends and new ones. And even to my mom.
Pamela, Caitlin, Emily and Laura. Natalie and my Mom. You mean the world to me.
And to Jesus. For loving me in my complete weakness, and having that desire to lift me back up and place me back on my feet again – fully armored, and fully prepared.

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