Out of character? Not really.

It’s honestly ridiculous that I’m awake at 2:30 in the morning, just thinking about this. It’s a constant tug at my heart, but my mind knows otherwise. I’m not ready for anything, there’s no way. But I can’t help but take things to heart…so quickly. I wish life was easier, I wish I was just able to “be selfish” and do exactly what I wanted to do but it’s not that easy. I can’t continue on like this, I just need YOU (God) to lead my heart in the right direction. Lead my heart in the right direction. Let me be exactly where I am supposed to be. Let me be everything I am supposed to be.

I came across the word “confidence” tonight. I know God is telling me to stay confident in Him and the decisions He’s helped me come to. And to not let my emotions get in the way, or anything else but just to put myself out there, before God and be vulnerable but at the same time trusting in Him to see me through.

I feel stupid with what my thoughts have been the past several days, but they are there. I know what I want, but when I get to make decisions I can’t make them. Because I’m doubtful. Doubtful of what Christ has for me or doesn’t have for me. I just wish I could have this supernatural focus where nothing could distract me from the things of God. And I don’t fully believe that they do, but I do believe that I could be more daring with my decisions. I play it safe too many times, and get myself into a heap of trouble.

Lord, forgive me for my immature way of handling my relationship with You. You speak to me, I listen, then when it comes to acting…I just lose it all. I cannot trust myself but then I realize I’m not supposed to be trusting myself, but rather I’m supposed to be trusting you.

What if everything going on right now is simply a distraction? But it seems so perplex that it can’t be…but confusion isn’t of God.

Does everything that I am saying sound like a jumbled mess? Do I sound indecisive and completely everywhere? Because that’s how I feel.

I think.

God, bring me to the person you desire me to be, with the people you desire for me to be with. I’m not living this life for myself, I’m not living this life so that I can fulfill my own dreams because I gave those up a long time ago and it would be easier now to give up things that are not meant to be mine. I’m tired of feeling like I’m being pulled one way or another, it’s not fair. I want to exemplify you in all that I do, I want people to see YOU in ME. I want people to see a different in me, and wonder what it is.

Calm my mind, let me focus in on you – and just sit before You…alllllll day. In all of my thoughts, in all of my actions, in all that I do.

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