Archive for December, 2009

December 25, 2009

Seven Swans

I can’t even remember falling asleep last night. I couldn’t tell you the reasoning behind it, but I woke up without an alarm clock this morning around 7:50am and my light was on. I remember not being able to fall asleep, I remember being afraid of having nightmares and having to watch The O.C. to get me tired. I remember thinking entirely too much about a certain ex-boyfriend and I remember feeling not a drop of sleep dwelling inside of me. As difficult as insomnia can be, I am still here now – wide awake, anxiously waiting for the rest of the family to wake up because if you didn’t know already…it’s Christmas morning.

I’m up on the best day of the year, feeling entirely weird through and through. Lord, please explain to me this emotion I am feeling. Help me to put it into words and allow my heart to flow through these fingers and onto this screen so that I can feel calm and relaxed before going downstairs.

Today is the best day of the year, by far the most amazing of all days because (putting all theological debates aside) today is the day that you were born. The day that you decided it would be worth leaving behind all divine powers and taking the form of a human to save the entire world, would be a good idea. The day that we passed through your mind, every single one of us. Our faces flashed across your eyes, I am almost sure that you didn’t have to contemplate this idea or think about it twice. You were eager and you were willing.

Lamb of God, who took the form of a helpless baby just so you could later on endure the most excruciating pain in all the world. It would all be done for the sake of us, it would all be done because you so desperately desired for us to be near you. You yearned to be alone with us, for us to realize the power of your love. Because you wanted to defeat all the evil that has corrupted this world and make things better for us.

Your plan when you came as a baby was so grand, so grand that it’s stretched all the way to 2009. It’s continuing to stretch and it hasn’t ended yet. You’re the Master of Plans, the Master of Love, the Most Unselfish Man this earth has ever had. You came in the form of a man, the lowliest form that you could take, for the hopes of one day dying for us up on a tree. For the anticipation of breaking the hold that death had on us all, and you were so patient about it. Willing to live for 33 years before anything happening.

You’re the best. And I love you. Thank you for this day, thank you for today. I can hear the babies running up the stairs to come and to wake me up. I pray that they will one day feel exactly how I feel right now, because it’s the best feeling in the world. I’ve come to know you, and if all I got on this day was your love, I’d be happier than anything, happy like I am right now.

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December 19, 2009

There’s a hole in my heart tonight and I cannot figure out why. I feel alone, without anyone and the rejection is painful. My mind is racing and so many thoughts steal my time and I am here…feeling sad. The only thing that fills me is worshiping you, it’s just sitting with you and feeling your words, your promises, sink into my sink…into the depths of my soul.

December 16, 2009

I believe in a war that is raging inside of you and me.

Searching for the rights can almost ruin anything that I write because I will never feel like it can truly capture the emotions flowing through my heart. I can feel you again, inside of my soul – inside of my heart. All I crave right now is to spend hours with you, just laying here…thinking of you and just being with you. I crave Watermark church right now, and all things you. I miss you and that sounds almost ridiculous to type out but I do. I want you here, I want you near. I want you to hold me close to you and let me cry onto your shoulder and I want all pain to disappear from my life. All pain that I am experiencing, all pain that comes in and out. The pain of others, the pain of this world.

I’ve never believe so strongly of the calling on my life as I do right now. I don’t know why this has come to my heart again, but it was there once, so very long ago. And it’s back. I have a million thoughts running through my mind, I lay all my concerns in your hands. I place everything in the palms of your hands and I’m begging you to please take care of them. Undo my mistakes, fix my wrongs. Straighten my life again – make my path clear and prepare me for what is to come. Prepare me for what is to come. Your mercy is what brings me to where I am, it is your mercy that gives me what I need and allows me a thousand second chances.

I’m afraid of what is to come, I do not know what to expect. But I need you in every way that I can have you. Have mercy on my life, have mercy over me. Help me to find the strength to get through tonight, and the rest of my life.