Archive for January, 2010

January 9, 2010

“When everything else is au fait…”

I sit here and do not know where to begin. It’s just something that has happened to me that I don’t want to write unless I’ve written it with words that express it the way that it makes me feel – so I will attempt to show how I feel, I will attempt to help you see what my heart sees, what my soul feels.

Last semester was a season of my life that was confusing, dark at times and a little bit without Him. I would wake up on certain days and felt a weight on my life that was like nothing I had ever felt before. I knew I was pulling away, I knew I was distancing myself because I couldn’t trust in Him the way I once did. The circumstances I was in, weren’t allowing me to see exactly what God was trying to do. As I look back at my journal, I look through my “private” posts on here and see the lack of writing. It reflects so much of what I went through; feeling nothing. With no words for anything.

I now know that Jesus has become such a part of me, that he is ingrained in my soul, that he is connected to my entire self in a way that doesn’t seem possible. When I was pushing him away, he was still standing close. When I didn’t want him in my life, he came looking for me stronger than ever. There were days that I would wake up, with His name on my lips and I didn’t know how to express myself the right way to him. Thinking that what I’d done had done it, that the way I’d treated him was enough for him and I’d never have him back.

I used that as an excuse, an excuse to not let go of the things in my life that were holding me back from him, as a reason to say that someone as evil as I was didn’t deserve the greatest thing in existence.

I come back from camping now, and the words that were spoken over me were literally the breath of God whispering into my soul and the layers that covered my heart surrendered and gave in. Gave in to what’s been missing. Gave in to what I needed, gave into what I desperately wanted and what I could never go a day without.

I have never felt the way that I do now. Pushing my pride aside, placing all fear and doubt of my life into his hands, opening my eyes and seeing more clearly what I have gained and not dwelling on the time I feel I’ve wasted.

His faithfulness proves true, over and over again. He heals like no one else, he’s with everyone in more ways than we know. When everything else fails, he stays by our side. Regardless of what happens, regardless of how this life makes us feel, it doesn’t steal away from who God is and what he is doing.

Corinne Bailey Rae sings a song, “Like A Star” and her words express a lot and if I could play it as you all read this, I would but I don’t know how. Either way, I make her words my own and sing them to Him, to Jesus. She sings about a man in her life, that she cannot live without. Despite how difficult things may go, she knows he’s the only one for her.

Advertisements
January 7, 2010

In the Night Season

Father,

Move in favor of Alex Ross. Move in his favor and bring him healing, restore him so that he can live to say that it was you who healed him and no one else. Use this as a moment to bring glory to your name, and I’m scared while I pray to you because I don’t know what to ask for and I want to ask for the right thing so desperately. I want to ask you to do what is right, I want to ask you to do what is truly going to happen. That doesn’t even make sense, but I just pray that you let Alex live. For several reasons, because he could learn from this and completely commit his life to you in every way you’ve ever desired for him. Because if he was to leave this earth, his family would be devastated. A million questions would be going through their heads, why did he get shot, why was it their son, why didn’t you stop this? It’s more drama than anyone needs, but I can’t understand it. All I can do right now is pray, simply pray that you work in favor of Alex. Give him life, bring him healing, restore him to his fullest potential. Let him have a chance at working for your kingdom, your kingdom that was meant for him too.

I will never understand. I will never be able to express the right emotions. I will never be able to say the right things. I will never know how to handle situations like these. But luckily, it doesn’t even matter. Because this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you. It always does.

I cannot fall asleep, I have a million things running through my mind. My chest is beating terribly, because of whatever reason I do not know.

Just have your way in his life tonight, in the days to come.

Strengthen P. WJ, as he stays faithful to his family/friends. Anoint his words, use him for your glory, to bring you honor, to bring you joy. Let the pastoral anointing you have placed on his life flow through him in these moments. Capacitate him to live up to his calling, increase his faith and take pleasure in him because he is faithful to you. He loves you more than anything, and will give up anything for you. That much I do know, that much my heart knows, so that much, I will ask.

Tomorrow I leave for the camping trip with all of the Student Life Department. I feel like no one is excited about it, the few that are will have to spark a flame and set everyone on the same mood that their in. It’s ridiculously cold outside, and if you’re from Florida like I am, it’s not enjoyable. Whatever lesson we are supposed to learn through this, I pray that it is made evident from the beginning. I pray that this retreat isn’t just about hanging out and relaxing, but I pray that it is about encounters with you. Encounters with you. Encounters with you. Encounters with you.

There’s a big knot in my chest, and I’m not sure why. I want to cry, I want to sit here and continue praying, I want to stay up all night because there is no point in going to bed and waking up in 3 hours. So that I will do.

I want you to be in my life, more than I could ever ask for. I want to be so focused on you, lost in you, that nothing moves me except for you.

I can’t help but think about a million different things. Why is this happening, why did this happen to that boy, why is Tori Mill’s mother in the hospital and what does it mean? I can ask but I don’t know how I will be answered. Just move in the name of Jesus, for your glory, for your honor, for your existence. I love you, and I know that you are real. Real to me, real to him, real to us all.