“When everything else is au fait…”

I sit here and do not know where to begin. It’s just something that has happened to me that I don’t want to write unless I’ve written it with words that express it the way that it makes me feel – so I will attempt to show how I feel, I will attempt to help you see what my heart sees, what my soul feels.

Last semester was a season of my life that was confusing, dark at times and a little bit without Him. I would wake up on certain days and felt a weight on my life that was like nothing I had ever felt before. I knew I was pulling away, I knew I was distancing myself because I couldn’t trust in Him the way I once did. The circumstances I was in, weren’t allowing me to see exactly what God was trying to do. As I look back at my journal, I look through my “private” posts on here and see the lack of writing. It reflects so much of what I went through; feeling nothing. With no words for anything.

I now know that Jesus has become such a part of me, that he is ingrained in my soul, that he is connected to my entire self in a way that doesn’t seem possible. When I was pushing him away, he was still standing close. When I didn’t want him in my life, he came looking for me stronger than ever. There were days that I would wake up, with His name on my lips and I didn’t know how to express myself the right way to him. Thinking that what I’d done had done it, that the way I’d treated him was enough for him and I’d never have him back.

I used that as an excuse, an excuse to not let go of the things in my life that were holding me back from him, as a reason to say that someone as evil as I was didn’t deserve the greatest thing in existence.

I come back from camping now, and the words that were spoken over me were literally the breath of God whispering into my soul and the layers that covered my heart surrendered and gave in. Gave in to what’s been missing. Gave in to what I needed, gave into what I desperately wanted and what I could never go a day without.

I have never felt the way that I do now. Pushing my pride aside, placing all fear and doubt of my life into his hands, opening my eyes and seeing more clearly what I have gained and not dwelling on the time I feel I’ve wasted.

His faithfulness proves true, over and over again. He heals like no one else, he’s with everyone in more ways than we know. When everything else fails, he stays by our side. Regardless of what happens, regardless of how this life makes us feel, it doesn’t steal away from who God is and what he is doing.

Corinne Bailey Rae sings a song, “Like A Star” and her words express a lot and if I could play it as you all read this, I would but I don’t know how. Either way, I make her words my own and sing them to Him, to Jesus. She sings about a man in her life, that she cannot live without. Despite how difficult things may go, she knows he’s the only one for her.

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