Archive for February, 2010

February 21, 2010

I couldn’t have it any other way.

The Daylight’s sing a song, “You Know Who You Are.” I don’t know the real meaning behind this song, but it’s alluring. I want you to find it and listen to it.

I woke up this morning with the feeling that my heart was going to explode. But it is the greatest feeling. I’m waiting to go to Watermark this morning and I couldn’t think of a better way to end the week. I’m going to a place where I can find an affectionate God that is so ready to open up my eyes to his mysteries. Lately I find it’s what I crave, I find it’s what I need. To learn and understand that His love is enough for me is more difficult than I had anticipated. Loneliness tries to creep it’s way in and take ownership of what once belonged to it, but it has no place anymore. I won’t allow myself to feed into those thoughts, because I have the most captivating love that there is. A love that could never be perverted, a love that is pure and intensely true. I cannot correctly put into words that which I feel inside of me right now – but I tell you that I feel no worry in this moment. I feel so protected, I feel so aware of something greater than myself. I’m in the room with Him, and he’ll go with me everywhere. I couldn’t have it any other way.

February 19, 2010

Here

From last weekend, to this week, to the weekend ahead of me – my heart is overflowing with joy, my soul is unbelievably content. I don’t know how to say this the right way, as always, I doubt my own thoughts in my own head and even in my own blog. I’ll just let them out however they may come, I don’t put a lot of thought into how I’m going to write something, I just go on here and do it.

When I was home with my family, I want to say it was the beginning of the them understanding so much more about myself and about God. So much was revealed to me while I was there, continually learning that in the end the things that wins overall is love. I have the strongest hope that my mother will one day experience something greater than what I myself get to experience on a daily basis with God. I am no one to say that she isn’t already experiencing things for herself, but I rest assured that she too is going to be standing on the promises of God because I can feel it. Doubt is the root of despair. When you become desperate for your family to know Christ the way that you do, you begin to believe they’ll never be healed from the things that hurt them the most, you begin to believe that they’ll never accept the greatest thing in all of existence. But rest assured – if there is anything for you to believe in and to hold onto, it’s the promise of God’s love. Scripture says that nothing can seperate us from the love of God, and if you believe that we were created by and for Him, then there’s nothing to fear. Perfect love drives out all fear. Perfect love is found in God.

As the week progressed with visiting a close friend, God continued to make himself present through conversations and car rides. There was a change that I saw in them that honestly left me without words. A person that I didn’t know needed any changing, has become and is becoming a person who mirrors the One that they serve. For that I am thankful, thankful that my Father has allowed me to find a friend who cares so much and pushes me to dream and to seek.

I will end with this – God takes full responsibility for what’s fully his. I am learning to surrender every part of me over to my Creator. All fear, all doubt. Every emotion, every thought, every intention. My needs, my wants, every desire. Because when I do, I will be ready to go wherever he leads and I’ll do things for his kingdom that I’ve only ever dreamed of doing and they will be a greater reality than I’ll ever deserve.

February 13, 2010

Home.

I woke up today to weather that could make anyone depressed, late to a meeting and my heart was hit with the reality I am living with my roommate. I told myself I would see the good in everything, so my optimistic-little-self decided to be happy, forget what was going on and quickly got ready for my day. I succesfully chose an outfit that I tried on once and loved, did nothing to my hair because bed-head is always best and ran to my meeting. All I could think about was home. Classes dragged on. Then it started pouring rain, and I…had no umbrella. But no worries, the on-top-of-the-world mood shot in and I used my navy blue peacoat as a shield over my head and back to room 104 I went. My boots got soaked and it was freezing but I was completely thrilled at the thought of spending a few days at home, thinking it would be such bliss and nothing would go wrong. I packed my car up, skipped my last class and headed home. I spent the car ride with JC and never wanted to stop driving. The rain splashing the hood of my car, listening to music that could captivate anyone – I felt so…good. I thought about life, love, family, friends. Everything and everyone.

Two hours later, I arrive. Welcomed by some happy and not-so happy parents. Words were exchanged, and then it started again. That “this is why I don’t like coming home” feeling. Worry overwhelmed me, I looked away and felt someone telling me that I needed to keep my composure. “They know not what they do.” That’s what my heart heard and that’s what I will believe. I’ll do what I came to do, ignoring the negativity. The expectations I set were/are high – and the weekend is yet to be over. There’s still time to make things better. Still time for Someone to do what they do best.

 

February 9, 2010

The heart of life

Difficult conversations. They are awkward, uncomfortable but must be done. As I write this, I am sitting on my bed just waiting for one to be had. And the person in which I will be having this conversation with is also in the room. My heart is panting and I would much rather not even confront this situation at all. The whole topic of dicussion that is awaiting is messy and emotional – it deals with past relationships and present ones. It deals with all the why’s and the if’s. It deals with two friends who are now taking different paths, and it’s heavy on their hearts.

When you spend a lot of time with someone, I believe your souls are somehow knitting themselves together. It goes along with why we shouldn’t spend so much time with certain people, the people that aren’t “good” for us. You are easily influenced by each other. A part of your soul opens towards that person and you let them see the sides of you that not a lot of people see. You take it personal when they don’t want to see you. You become more vulnerable than expected and it’s all because you enjoy the company of this person so much that you begin to sacrfice things for them – you cancel plans because of them, you stop hanging out with certain people as much, you go out of your way for them. You spend almost every day together and people start to say how alike you both are. You find yourself saying the same things they do or dressing the way they do. You become so molded into each other’s lives that when the bond that once held you so close together starts to crack, it begins to hurt. Sure…you understand why it’s happening, but you can’t help but hurt because of it.

I’m not sure how to end this. Maybe I’ll have more to say after this conversation happens. (Which by the way, we’ve been in the same room together for over 30 minutes and I finally caved and said “We should talk about this now” and they were hesitant and told me to wait…)

But all I want to tell her is that despite the decisions she is choosing to make, my love for her won’t change. The companionship we both share/shared meant more to me than she knows…so maybe that’s exactly what I need to tell her. That there is nothing she could do that won’t make me love her, there is nothing she could do to make me turn my face away.

February 3, 2010

The Enemy of our Souls will have no part of me

I find that I continually doubt myself. There is a fear within in me that is always telling me I am doing the wrong thing, making the wrong decision and it’s something I can no longer live with. Condemnation craves for my soul – but he cannot have it. Today I woke up with a heaviness in my soul, on my heart and I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t decipher it until the middle of the day when someone that had no idea I was feeling this came over to me and said a few simple words. I could feel the sincerity of his words, I could feel the weight in his voice and I knew that God was with me. Something so incredible, that is so easily forgotten.

I’m at a place in my life where I have to make decisions that affect more than just myself – and I’m so fearful of making the wrong one and hurting others in the end. But like someone else told me today “Are we going to fear the enemy of our souls or are we going to fear the God who created us?” She was asking me who has more power -and the answer is God. And if you feel something so deeply within you and you know that it has to be a “God-thing” then we just need to do it. I absolutely have to give in.

I walk hand-in-hand with my Creator, so nothing can stop me now.